remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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