apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
