if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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