Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
