never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
