then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
