My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
