he puts the penis in happiness.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
