My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
