i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
