Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
