So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
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