he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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