when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I need to sanitize my soul.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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