She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
