I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
