So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
