Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
