Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
