I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
