I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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