My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
The air was thick with penises
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
