I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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