if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
