My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.