There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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