i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
