Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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