I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
