so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
