I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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