worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
