Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Hippo gnu deer
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
