Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
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