I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
