We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I still have a little drunk in my system
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
