I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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