I am spending my child support on dildos
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
