he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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