Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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