farters have to be the big spoon...
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
