i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you mean i was at the winter classic?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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