So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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