Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Every concussion has its silver lining
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
