Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
