I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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