I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
