the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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