The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
