The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
