I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
