For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
