Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
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