I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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