you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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