Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I think people are normalizing furries
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
