Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
