She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
