sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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