i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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